Wow.... My eyes are finally opened to what God has been trying to show me all along. It started with a sermon that began with a question, "Based on your obedience to God, how much would it show you love God?" I answered with this, "My love based on my obedience to God would be void most likely." Then I wrote underneath that *STUDY OBEDIENCE* It's been awhile since I've studied obedience and obviously, I desperately needed a refresher course.
Then a week later, I taught sunday school and it was about.... OBEDIENCE. Gee whiz, I'm suprised I didn't get a text message from God Himself telling me to get with it. So I have been taking baby steps to just saying yes to God and doing what ever He moves me to do. Well, several days ago, I was at borders working on some lesson plans (still 1 down, 6 more to go haha), and wanted to take a break and look in the christian section. I happened to see a devotional (which I have been wanting a really good one, some reason, it's been hard to find one....). It's called devotions for women on the go. I love that it doesn't just have one verse, but an entire passage. Basically, there is more bible than someone's summary of thoughts. I felt God telling me to get that one cause I wasn't sure at first since Andy and I are watching our spending. I got it and was doing it everyday. Well, the third day's devotion was awesome and a definite light bulb over my head and heart! The passage was in Hebrews 4:6-11, which talks about.... DISOBEDIENCE. WOW.
The verse that stuck out to me was verse 7, "Today if you hear His Voice, do not harden your hearts." THEN! The last sentence of the devotional said, "To wait is to callous your heart, making it harder for God to get your attention next time." Again, wow. I struggle with prayer sometimes because I just don't know what to say. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when you always feel like you are in the wrong and your distant to God, you just blank on where to start. At least, it was like that for me. I know why it's been a constant struggle for me to keep focus and trying to hear God. It all started when I hesitated that first time to a God moment. That moment where you feel God pulling you somewhere and you don't follow. When you do it once or a couple of times, it gets easier and easier because you are in your safe little bubble. I'm glad God popped mine!
I know I'm not perfect, but I most certainly want to look out for those God moments, and I need to have a heart of obedience! It's easy to be obedient in the things that are easy, but when God started challenging me, I backed down. How I so regret doing that!
11.18.2009
11.09.2009
.thankful.to.God.for.checking.my.baggage.
Today I'm turning in a new leaf! With the help and accountability of my husband, we are holding 30 minutes in our schedule for God. It's really been hard pressed on my heart where I feel Andy and I are lacking spiritually individually with God and with each other. I'm pretty excited because I know we were brought together for a purpose. We did come back from China and we definitely felt we had purpose there together, but since being back in America, we have kinda lost it. SO we are connecting again with God and with each other. I'm so interested in what God will reveal to both of us.
Well, as I was reading, God really has put on my heart about obedience. I know that is something that He has been teaching me since I've become a Christian. From time to time, I definitely need a reminder! I loved the verse from Romans 6:17 where it talks about how we were once slaves to sin, but now we willfully obey. I know there are lots of times where I haven't obeyed, but I learn and grow from my decisions and actions. One thing that I have been struggling with and questioning about Christianity is convictions. Growing up, I always thought everyone had the same convictions. Later to find out, that's not true and I found it to be very frustrating. I have a lot of convictions that come directly from God's Word; not that I have made up on my own. For example, cuss words and sexual joking, which I used to do even after becoming a Christian at the age of 13 until I read in Ephesians 4:29 this,"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
But there are some convictions that a church has that I might not agree with, this is the hard part for me. Because Hebrews 13:17 says this, "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you."
It's not that I want to cause trouble, it's just that what if my convictions are different from my leaders?? Am I being disobedient to God if I do not follow after leaders' convictions?? There are a lot of churches that have different convictions from each other, so what makes one right over the other?? I understand that convictions should come from God's word and not be a made up rule. The Pharisees did a lot of that.... But one conviction that comes up that confuses me is Christian rap music. I've been listening to it since I've discovered Christian music in 7th grade. I never thought it was wrong. Why would something that talks about Jesus and theology be wrong?? I've been told that rap music in general has a lot of baggage. All I can think of is that I have tons of baggage. It may be in different ways, but it's baggage. I just don't understand fighting against something that is on the same side. The world and Satan is big enough to fight against....
It may be a small thing, but I wonder what will happen if I stick to my convictions. Will people judge me or see me in a different way than being a "good" Christian??? I used to not care what other people think. The only person I tried to please was God, but this whole convictions thing is stressing me out so much that it effects my relationship with God. All I know is that this verse is important.... Romans 6:13 "and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead and your members as instruments of righteousness to God."
That's what I want to strive for in an willful obedient way....
Well, as I was reading, God really has put on my heart about obedience. I know that is something that He has been teaching me since I've become a Christian. From time to time, I definitely need a reminder! I loved the verse from Romans 6:17 where it talks about how we were once slaves to sin, but now we willfully obey. I know there are lots of times where I haven't obeyed, but I learn and grow from my decisions and actions. One thing that I have been struggling with and questioning about Christianity is convictions. Growing up, I always thought everyone had the same convictions. Later to find out, that's not true and I found it to be very frustrating. I have a lot of convictions that come directly from God's Word; not that I have made up on my own. For example, cuss words and sexual joking, which I used to do even after becoming a Christian at the age of 13 until I read in Ephesians 4:29 this,"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
But there are some convictions that a church has that I might not agree with, this is the hard part for me. Because Hebrews 13:17 says this, "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you."
It's not that I want to cause trouble, it's just that what if my convictions are different from my leaders?? Am I being disobedient to God if I do not follow after leaders' convictions?? There are a lot of churches that have different convictions from each other, so what makes one right over the other?? I understand that convictions should come from God's word and not be a made up rule. The Pharisees did a lot of that.... But one conviction that comes up that confuses me is Christian rap music. I've been listening to it since I've discovered Christian music in 7th grade. I never thought it was wrong. Why would something that talks about Jesus and theology be wrong?? I've been told that rap music in general has a lot of baggage. All I can think of is that I have tons of baggage. It may be in different ways, but it's baggage. I just don't understand fighting against something that is on the same side. The world and Satan is big enough to fight against....
It may be a small thing, but I wonder what will happen if I stick to my convictions. Will people judge me or see me in a different way than being a "good" Christian??? I used to not care what other people think. The only person I tried to please was God, but this whole convictions thing is stressing me out so much that it effects my relationship with God. All I know is that this verse is important.... Romans 6:13 "and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead and your members as instruments of righteousness to God."
That's what I want to strive for in an willful obedient way....
11.03.2009
.needing.a.heart.transplant.
This really laid on my heart since last Sunday and I don't want to forget. I want to constantly be reminded of this. Heart of obedience. I don't feel like I have a heart of obedience. I do with the obvious things, but then again, what is my heart's motive? I want to follow and listen to God 24/7. One thing that hit real hard was I was listening to the radio and this woman said that it is a sin to not pray to God everyday. As "harsh" and "unloving" or "unrealistic" that may sound, it makes complete sense. A Christian is called to take up their cross daily (Luke 9:23) and for that to be possible, we must pray to Jesus daily. We cannot possibly do that ourselves. (James 4:17) I pray every once in awhile, but not consistently.
I don't know where my desire has gone! Things that have been conviction in the past would eat me up, but now I have no feelings... I want to be eaten up inside! Things that use to excite me and bring me this rush of joy, now just brings a small smile to my face because I know I should be excited cause it is good. This is the most frustrating part of my relationship with Christ. I do love Christ. Jesus is perfect. I just don't know what is up with me. I know that we should not base things on our feelings, but I would just love to have mine back! I am quite confused, but I bet it is the most simplest answer. That's how it works sometimes. Why do we make things more complicated than they really are? Until I find that answer, I will strive to have an obedient heart.
That's another thing..... I know I should have an obedient heart because that is what a Christian does, but what if the desire is not really there??? I want to do it, but the excitement of doing it is not there. I want to be excited. Maybe the fear of constant failure has jaded my emotions? Maybe since I sin everyday and do not confess, it has added up to quenching the Holy Spirit? I don't know.... Maybe I should start out my prayer like this....
I don't know where my desire has gone! Things that have been conviction in the past would eat me up, but now I have no feelings... I want to be eaten up inside! Things that use to excite me and bring me this rush of joy, now just brings a small smile to my face because I know I should be excited cause it is good. This is the most frustrating part of my relationship with Christ. I do love Christ. Jesus is perfect. I just don't know what is up with me. I know that we should not base things on our feelings, but I would just love to have mine back! I am quite confused, but I bet it is the most simplest answer. That's how it works sometimes. Why do we make things more complicated than they really are? Until I find that answer, I will strive to have an obedient heart.
That's another thing..... I know I should have an obedient heart because that is what a Christian does, but what if the desire is not really there??? I want to do it, but the excitement of doing it is not there. I want to be excited. Maybe the fear of constant failure has jaded my emotions? Maybe since I sin everyday and do not confess, it has added up to quenching the Holy Spirit? I don't know.... Maybe I should start out my prayer like this....
Lord, It's been awhile since I have been in consistent prayer with you. To the point where I don't know exactly what or how to pray. I desperately need to change my actions because they have affected my heart. Help me in any way that will bring my heart and attention back to you. I desperately need a heart transplant....
11.02.2009
.I.positively.hate.being.a.student.
Man, I have not posted anything in a long time, which I blame my laziness. I have though thought about a lot of things I could have written, but by the time I had a computer available I didn't want to have anything to do with one. I am keeping pretty busy, but not over busy where I stress out because I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up with that part of american society. I really want to thank God for helping me learn that lesson. I'm much more relaxed and laid-back than I used to be and that is partly because my husband is a little bit laid-back as well.
I can't wait until school is over! I am so tired of sitting in a class just listening, which helps confirm even more of how I'm glad I went with physical education. I cannot just watch people sit there and listen. Most of the time I just want to skip class and work at the child care center and play with the little babies and kids. I am definitely ready to start a career and more confident about finding one. Before, I was a little apprehensive, but now I think I have more of a feel for it. I observe some teachers now and think I can do a better job. I guess I feel more mature as well, which helps me feel like an adult. Although I have walked in the halls of some high schools and feel like a teenager again because majority of them seem bigger than me. It does not help either that I look real young. Anyways, I am just mumbling along about nonsense. I just wanted to write a blog, so I can get a feel for it again and continue it more often. This post is mainly me trying to "positively" state that I hate being a student and would much rather be a teacher making some money! :)
I can't wait until school is over! I am so tired of sitting in a class just listening, which helps confirm even more of how I'm glad I went with physical education. I cannot just watch people sit there and listen. Most of the time I just want to skip class and work at the child care center and play with the little babies and kids. I am definitely ready to start a career and more confident about finding one. Before, I was a little apprehensive, but now I think I have more of a feel for it. I observe some teachers now and think I can do a better job. I guess I feel more mature as well, which helps me feel like an adult. Although I have walked in the halls of some high schools and feel like a teenager again because majority of them seem bigger than me. It does not help either that I look real young. Anyways, I am just mumbling along about nonsense. I just wanted to write a blog, so I can get a feel for it again and continue it more often. This post is mainly me trying to "positively" state that I hate being a student and would much rather be a teacher making some money! :)
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